JIM
The key to hidden treasure
The key to forbidden pleasure
And how do you measure a man
If it's not by what hangs from his fob'
Ever since jailers began
It's been one of the perks of the job
Going to work on the job
When you hold the key
No force, no coercion
Pure satisfaction for all
Of course some perversion
But nothing that's painful or too off the wall
A mutual service and what better way
To unwind as you wend at the end of the day'
And while you're getting your end well away
You're the king of the night
Out of reach, out of sight
Everyone's up for a bite, so
Don't call me greedy
'Cos these girls are needy
SHELL
Ain't you never heard of ladies first'
JIM
If you play your cards right, pretty soon you could be shagging the Wing Governor'
SHELL
What, that Scottish tart' She'd be lucky.
JIM
No. Me'
The key to hidden treasure
The key to forbidden pleasure
To take at your leisure and bend
To whatever your fancies dictate
Virgins and tarts and to end
It's the cream of the female estate
And you get it all on a plate
When you hold the key
No ties, no connections
Fresh supplies always on tap
Recognise their affections
You'll soon have them eating right out of your lap
Desperately grateful for all you can give
It's quite fair to say you're their reason to live
Frankly it's just irresponsible if I don't try
To provide what they lack here inside
Everyone's up for the ride, so who could accuse me
If they choose to use me'
Who's got a smile for me, then'
RACHEL
Oh, Sir. I'm so glad to see you.
JIM
Doesn't look much like it, love.
RACHEL
I'm sorry. The dark's doing my head in.
I get all scared. I have to keep the light on at home.
JIM
Nothing to be scared about now I'm here, eh'
RACHEL
I wrote this poem for you, Sir. To tell you all my feelings about you
JIM
Better look after it, hadn't I'
Now, you go make yourself look nice, I'll come and tuck you into bed.
Off you go (reads) Dear Sir. You are my saviour.
Pardon me for my behaviour. I you could see' (he screws up the note)
I watch and I wait
Mr Wolf at the gate
I lead and they follow
I feed and they swallow
I need it, I take it
Who cares if they fake it'
A man's gotta make it
And move it and shake it
And this lucky Jim
Gets it all just for him
Pick any slag
Every shag's in the bag
With the key
The key slide inside
And open wide for me
Behold the key
The biggest you'll see
I hold the key
RACHEL
What you doing'
JIM
I said I'd keep my special eye on you, love.
RACHEL
But - I thought you meant you'd look after me.
JIM
That's right. Like I will every night. And this is how you say 'thank you, Sir'.
RACHEL
No! No please ' don't
