January 3, 1889: Nietzsche Witnesses the Flogging of a Horse

After seventeen years and two broken teeth more nauseas than inspired tempestuous chaos in my rope of bowel and mostly i'd gotten tired my head. my bed some blankets we had to throw out a scar on my chin where my beard won't grown in and I can't hear what she's talking about i've got to speak my peace i've got to speak my peace i've got to speak my peace but my peace won't be still i've got to get this out i've got to get this out i've got to get this out but i can't give it up i can't give it up my life, my wife my son sleeping in his crib the horrible truth ofwhat makes me afraid the pile of reptiles in my ribs systematic value assessment don't count some pathetic rebel investment don't count everything you're scrambling after don't count every time you thought you would matter don't count old envelopes pregnant, a lingering wisp stale scent ofthe end always nearing i'm grappling at my abdomen for god's sake I am disappearing I threw out keepsakes. I didn't keep enough I lost track ofthe places we'd been and it dawned on me over the last three years we can never go back there again i don't need a smokescreen to disappear i am getting so small i lose track of me so racked with shame from wanting to matter and the things i'm never ever going to be let's commit our bodies to the ocean with arms stretched over our heads a tangle of snakes the white noise they make The horrible things that i've said we're the cracked tusk of the elephant we're the cloud in the diamond like a pinprick in the water balloon like hot water on the dishes string up the black chord festoon the archway pull out the stubborn iv finally admit if we catch on fire there'll be no one to see rattle the bones necklace of skulls feathers pressed into the floor we realize we've ruptured the hull and we can't go home any more like a pinprick in a water balloon like hot water on the dishes my eyes, my lies the things i'm saying to no one the fire inside. a million miles wide the way that i'm always coming undone