Dear Karens

Dear Karens who've never complained to the manager Dear Kyles who never once punched through drywall Dear Chads who never once shouted, "Jägerbombs!" at the bar Dear Lindas who never worked in HR Dear Stacys who've never had a hot mom I'm sorry that these people have co-opted your name I'm sorry 'cause you're innocent No, you're not to blame But now every time you meet somebody new, the conversation's the same Or worse: they sing at you! Sweet Caroline Ba ba ba Dear Delilahs who don't know what it's like in New York City 'Cause you've never been here Dear Jessies who've never had a girl (Poor Jessie) Dear Felicias who don't like saying goodbye Dear Alexas who don't know what the weather's like outside Dear Victorias who can't keep a fucking secret I'm sorry that these assholes have co-opted your name I'm sorry 'cause you're innocent No, you're not to blame But not every time you meet somebody new, the conversation's the same Sincerely, a Caitlin But I've never been a platinum blonde horse girl I've never snapped other girls' bra straps in the seventh grade Oh no