Poems

I believe there is nothing more manly one can do Than take a shower with 5 other guys It's true, it's not a joke its early cavemen You know Cromagnum wandering through the fog You know Scrubbing 5 other sapians, no homo I wanna do a poem for you, some poems for you Right now, I've got chimes Oh, a genie just came Alright Umm... Now that we're halfway through the show I'd like to sort of to take the umm... The pressure of you, the audience, and just read some serious poetry Then we'll kinda go back to the giggles This is from my book, "Egghead", that some of you may already have Or something, so I won't keep it too long In case, you know, some of you have heard this stuff But, uhh... Just sit back and enjoy, uh, this, uh, poetry "Roses are grey Violets are a different shade of grey Let's go chase cars." That's by a dog This is a poem about women's bodies And the ability to transform your body issues, and transcend them "Martha was ugly like a shaved baboon So she wrapped herself up in a curtain cocoon And after a week, she finally emerged She smelled like shit. What a psycho." You can't transcend them, I guess that's the... moral "Me, with my strange choice of adjectives You, with your muscular teeth And your clockwise vagina" "You're incomparable, like a..." Yeah, that's the word... "I wanna beat you to death with a blunt object! I wanna grab one of those high-end fashion Mannequins by the ankles and bash your rib cage in! I wanna sharpen 50 pencils Bind them with a rubber band Stick the lead ends in your mouth and punch the erasers! I wanna strap you to a bed of nails Then strap that bed of nails to the hood of my car So I can watch you suffer as we drive over the speed bumps In a mall parking lot during an earthquake! I want you to somehow survive a terrible car crash and somehow Not survive a small fender-bender on the way back from the hospital" That's called "Dad" "If I had a million dollars, I'd pay your mother to have sex with me Afterwards, I'd invest in the remaining $999,990" $10 for sex with your mother! Comedy! I can see the light on your face, bitch! Stop texting! Umm... It's just a comment for someone in the crowd... It's your time, do what you want And the texting won't show on the CD So, that's okay Now look what I've done And finally... "Mid-October with leaves spilled like colored pencil shavings The streets dicing our town into neat unfair portions And me... Eating that pussy, baby..." Thank you so mu- Ohh man... Thank you guys so much Thank you for being a part of this, coming to the show, uh... (Woo!) I just need one person's enthusiasm, that's all I need to carry it "Oh, ow! I'm turned on and hurt!" Um, I, so... I-I-I-I-I am so grateful to you coming here I know I keep saying that It sounds redundant, but, uh... My gratefulness is redundant So, um...