Mariachi and the New York Post

I uh, I was psyched to do it in New York I'm really happy to live here And was glad I could do it, in New York City And I'm not sure how you all got here tonight But I did want to say this I've never been killed by hitmen So I don't know what it's like in the moments Just before you're killed by hitmen But I bet it's not unlike when you're on the subway And you realise that a mariachi band is about to start playing Just that brief moment, where you're reading And you're like "Oh, a guitar player" "Oh, another guitar player" "Oh, an accordion player" "Oh no" This is the loudest thing in the world! I was really excited a lot of people showed up They told me it was a big theatre and I thought that no one would come So thank you for coming, I wanted to like Take ads out in the paper, or like Be- Y'know, do something to a tot So I'd get in the New York Post or something The New York Post is my favorite newspaper I think it's great, I read it every day I like reading the New York Post because Reading the New York Post is like talking to someone Who heard the news, and now they're trying to give you the gist It's like, you get the same amount of information If you grabbed someone on the street and you were like "What happened today?" And they're like "There's a perv in Queens!" And you're like "Alright, thank you" Or rather, it's like someone read a better newspaper And now they're trying to text you everything they can remember It doesn't have to be right, it just has to be short I really do love the post, I read it a lot and there's a hierarchy In the New York Post Different people that they like And different people that they don't like And if you pay attention, you can start to identify Some of the New York Post's rankings that they have The number one thing you can be In the eyes of the New York Post, is an Angel An Angel is a child who has died That is the best thing you can be in the eyes of the New York Post The less amount of time you live, the better In the eyes of the Post After that, under an Angel is a Hero A Hero is any man who does his job You'll a lot of times see headlines that are like "Hero Tutor Teaches After School" And you're like, "Yeah" Down towards the bottom of the spectrum, there are Pervs Pervs touch Tots Tots are Angels who haven't died yet There are no children in the eyes of the New York Post You're either a Tot, or you're dead and you're an Angel I did leave one out, sorry Above Perv, is a Bozo A Bozo is any man who cheats on his wife "That guy's a Bozo!" I remember seeing a headline when Tiger Woods cheated on his wife And it says, "Tiger says he's sorry, but Elin says, 'Beat it, Bozo!'" No she did not She is from another country And even if she was from this country, no one has said "Bozo" In a thousand years Who was your source on that, New York Post? Some tiny old lady that chainsmokes all day long They met her in a parking garage and they were like "Madge, give us the scoop!" "What did Elin say to Tiger?" "Ah, she told him to 'beat it, bozo!'"