Act as If

You just need to be more deceiving Make them believe that whatever is in the file Has the British scared, the British worried The British doing their best to hurry To get those files back Or the Germans have us beat That that briefcase holds the key to a British defeat Act as if you do when you don't What? Act as if you will when you won't I don't follow We'll win sure enough With the old double bluff Just act as if you do when you don't Haselden, you genius, I know you've got this down It's just a simple matter of making sounds around town Yes sir, of course sir, I'll give it my best shot There's a good man Thank you, over and off What? Oh God, what an idiot Monty! I mean really, it's not that bloody complex The man's a complete fool You just called him a genius Yes, I lied, he's just a tool And for tools to get moving Then falsehood's the fuel For when you need a moron to tackle a task You call him a genius and he'll do what you ask Act as if you do when you don't Some files have gone astray Act as if you will when you won't We need them back without delay He may sound dramatic But at least they'll think we're panicked Act as if you do when you don't Right, well I'm off Should you really be taking that? Why shouldn't I? Secrecy, Procedure Unless I'm very much mistaken, that's the rules Charles, the rules are but a trifling inconvenience And they don't apply to us You should know, you're a genius Anyway, must dash Jean awaits me at the Ritz But can you check if the sweatiest spy in Spain is out-fooling Fritz? You'll never guess the flippin' mess the British boys are in We're finished if our missing files find their way to Berlin It's do or die, a race is high The Germans will win if Adolf spies his little eyes on what's within Wink! ¿Que? Monty here here! You agree? Course I do, you've got it quite right It's not insane to say our brightest brains Should have free rein to do as they like Exactly! You're a maverick, you mustn't be held down Now spill the beans, tell me your dreams Shall we get another round? I've probably had enough Nonsense! One more for the road The night is young, and I want to hear All that you know Act as if you do when you don't Tell me your secret Act as if you will when you won't I promise I'll keep it Loosen his lips and maybe he'll let slip Just act as if you do when you don't I can't speak long You see, tonight's the Ambassador's soirée There'll be some spies who I need to lie to But I called to update That my source down in Huelva Just came through with news The Germans have taken the documents! Phew Thank God So they should make a play for them soon As long as Haselden's done his job But we shouldn't assume He's in a nest full of vipers And perhaps he's not immune To the pressure and strain Charles, is Monty acting strange? No Are you sure? Yes Quite sure? Yes Then perhaps he's not to blame What? Some files are missing, sir Where they've gone's not quite clear The loss of each a serious breach It could end my career The contents could fetch a high price for a profiteer And I'm beginning to fear Someone here's not what they appear Act as if you do when you We must retrieve them Act as if you will when you The enemy can't see them If Monty's deceiving He must have his reasons Act as if you do when you don't Cholmondeley Sir? Montagu Johnny boy What's the news? The briefcase has gone to Berlin for review So the top brass has seen it Are they moving their troops? No! What the deuce? If they've had it for days And there's been no movement We have to conclude, they may know it's a ruse Oh, God Come on, man, have some faith What, in you? You think because they've taken it There's no way to fail But if they see the fakery The invasion's derailed So I'd probably start praying if I were you Because if all of this fails Then its down to you two Act as if you Act as Act as if Act as if you do when you- Don't touch that! You do trust me, don't you, Charles? Act as if you do when you don't Of course Act as if you will when you won't There's a good man The British are scared, the British are worried The British are doing their best to hurry You think that there's no way to fail (The British are scared, the British are worried) Some files are missing, sir (The British are doing their best to hurry) But if you're wrong (The British are scared, the British are worried) Where have they gone? The invasion's derailed (The British are doing their best to hurry) So I'd probably start praying if I were you (The British are scared, the British are worried) Because if all of this fails (The British are doing their best to hurry) Then it's down to you two Act as if you do when you don't Please God, we need this Act as if you will when you won't Let them believe it Soldiers die if we don't lie So act as if you do Act as if you do when you Act as if you do when you don't Act as if you do when you don't Act as if you will when you won't Act as if you will Oh God, I can't stand it It's not going to plan There's so much at stake when you're making a man Disaster awaits if they see through our sham, so Act as if you do Act as if you do Act as if you do Act as if you do Act as if you do when you don't