We Could Try and Do It, Santa (feat. John DiMaggio, Jess Harnell, Rob Paulsen, Tress MacNeille, Roddy Hart & Thomas David Reilly)

Well we could try to do it, Santa But without your magic ways There's no way we'd fit Eight billion presents in this tiny sleigh! We don't know how to make reindeer fly And even if we did, It would take us weeks to ride From Puerto Rico to Madrid! Since we've only got one evening To deliver all these toys To a billion different households Full of parents, girls and boys We would need an average sleigh speed Of at least 12 miles per second That's not counting bathroom breaks, Unless the sleigh's got a poop deck And I think Prancer and the others Might burn up if we're that fast Due to atmospheric drag, Just like a meteoric blast 'Cause these speeds would mean the reindeer Reach three thousand Fahrenheit They'd explode just moments into Our inaugural Christmas flight And the sonic boom would work its way Through Dasher, Donner, Dancer Soon engulfing Cupid, Comet – Santa, this can't be the answer! See, the last thing that we'd wanna do Is make the reindeer yelp We could try to do it, Santa – But we think we'd need your help! We could try to do it, Santa, But for us three Christmas rookies That's an awful lot of milk, And that's an awful lot of cookies Let's assume four choc-chip biscuits And a pint of milk per house That's a hundred thousand pounds Of sugar -- only counting Laos! In Africa alone, The three of us would have to drink Six-hundred-million milky gallons, Which is just enough, I think To fill up every single pool In Miami and Tallahassee And Yakko can't drink milk at all The lactose makes him gassy! Before the night is out, Each one of us will have knocked back Roughly seven trillion calories, (That's not including snacks) And our weight-gain would be somewhere North of 6 quintillion tons Which would make our bodies denser Than the plasma in the sun We'd implode upon ourselves, Just like three mini neutron stars Each exerting the same pull As all the gravity of Mars And our mass would tear the Earth Into a million tiny shreds We could try to do it, Santa – -- But think you should go instead! We could try to do it, Santa, but -- I see where this is going... -- Without using mass surveillance, We would have no way of knowing Which of all the girls and boys were nice, And which ones had been naughty But the problem is this spying thing Won't fly in fed'ral court, See, we would need to put a wire-tap on Every single phone And log every single web search, And pilot every drone 'Til we had a constant feed Of every single child on Earth (And with every single second, Santa, Five more moms give birth) See, there's just no way to spy on All those kids all by ourselves So we'd have to form an agency From all your worker-elves With a team of thousands, sure, maybe We could handle the load Then one would surely blow the whistle, Though, our own Elf Edward Snowden Then our crooked operation would Collapse in on itself And Vlad would give asylum to that Loose-lipped little elf And we'd take the fall, we're not Above the law in any way, We could try to do it, Santa -- -- But we're not the N.S.A!