Master of the House

Come on you old pest, put your bottle of your best What's the nectar of the day? Here try this lot, guaranteed to hit the spot Or I'm not Thenardier Give us a glass of rum, landlord over here! Right away you scum, right away monsieur God this place has gone to hell, so you tell me every year My host Thenardier, he was there so they say In the field of Waterloo Got there it's true when the fight was all through But he knew just what to do Crawling through the mud so I've heard it said Picking through the pockets of the English dead He made a tidy score from the spoils of war My band of soaks, my den of disolutes My dirty jokes, my always pissed as newts My sons of whores spend their lives in my inn Homing pigeons homing in they fly through my doors And their money's good as yours Ain't got a clue what he put into this stew, must have scraped it off the street God what a wine, Chateauneuf du Turpentine must have pressed it with his feet Landlord over here, where's the bloody man? One more for the road, one more slog of gin Just one more or my old man is gonna do me in Welcome monsieur sit yourself down And meet the best innkeeper in town As for the rest all of them crooks Rooking the guests and cooking the books Seldom do you see Honest men like me A gent of good intent who's content to be Master of the house Doling out the charm Ready with a handshake and an open palm Tells a saucy tale Makes a little stir Customers appreciate a bon-viveur Glad to do a friend a favour Doesn't cost me to be nice But nothing gets you nothing, everything has got a little price Master of the house Keeper of the zoo Ready to relieve them of a sou or two Water in the wine Making up the weight Picking up their nik-naks when they can't see straight Everybody loves a landlord Everybodys bosom friend I do whatever pleases, Jesus won't I bleed 'em in the end Master of the house Quick to catch your eye Never wants a passer by to pass him by Server to the poor Butler to the great Comforter, philosopher and life long mate Everybodys boon companion Everybodys chaperone Lock up your valises, Jesus won't I skin you to the bone Enter Monsieur, lay down your load Unlace your boots and rest from the road This weighs a ton, travels a curse But here we strive to lighten your purse Here the goose is cooked Here the fat is fried But nothing's overlooked 'til I'm satisfied Food beyond compare Food beyond belief Mix it in a mincer and pretend it's beef Kidney of a horse, liver of a cat Filling up the sausages with this and that Residents are more than welcome Bridal suite is occupied Reasonable charges plus some little extras on the side Charge him for the lice Extra for the mice 2% for looking in the mirror twice Here a little slice There a little cut 3% for sleeping with the window shut When it comes to fixing prices there are lots of tricks I know How it all increases allt he bits and pieces Jesus it's amazing how it grows Master of the house Quick to catch your eye Never wants a passer by to pass him by Server to the poor Butler to the great Comforter, philosopher and life long mate Everybodys boon companion Give 'em everything I've got Dirty bunch of geezers, Jesus what a sorry little lot I used to dream tht I would meet a prince But God almighty, have you seen what's happened since? Master of the house isn't worth my spit Comforter, philosopher and life long shit Cunning little brain Regular Voltaire Thinks he's quite a lover but there's not much there What a cruel trick of nature Landing me with such a louse God knows how I've lasted living with this bastard in the house Master of the house Master and a half Comforter, philosopher Don't make me laugh Server to the poor, butler to the great Hypocrite and toady and inebriate Everybody bless the landlord Everybody bless his spouse Everybody raise a glass Raise it up the masters arse Everybody raise your glass to the master of the house