A Healthy Normal American Boy

REPORTER: He's coming! He's coming! Conrad Birdie is coming! Hey Conrad, How about answering a few questions? How do you feel about going in the Army? ALBERT: Ah Ah Ah, how does he feel... You ask how he feels He's much too shy to tell you, So, I'll tell ya how he feels He feels- brave and eager! Strangely humble! Proud to be a plain GI! Rosie: He would gladly Face those bullets, For he's not afraid to die! For he's a fine, upstanding, Patriotic, healthy, normal American boy! Albert: And that's why he volunteered for... VOICE: Volunteered? I thought he was drafted! VOICE: And he appealed... Three times! ROSIE: Sing! GIRLS: We love you Conrad Oh yes we do, We love you Conrad And will be true! When you're not near us We're blue! Oh, Conrad, we love you... ALBERT: Very nice! VOICE: Say what's the pitch on that Hollywood starlet, Conrad. Are you two engaged? ROSIE: Ah Ah... Is he engaged? Is Conrad engaged? There's absolutely nothing to the rumor he's engaged! ALBERT: She's a real pal, like a sister, But it doesn't mean a thing! And that eighteen carat diamond, It was just a "friendship" ring! For he's a fine, upstanding, Patriotic, healthy, normal American boy! REPORTER: And why was your husband so mad? ALBERT: Sing! GIRLS: We love you Conrad Oh yes we do We love you Conrad And will be true! ALBERT: Oh, I'll never forget what Conrad said when he realized he was accepted by the armed forces... "Gee mister Peterson", he said, eagerly. "Do you suppose they'll assign me to the front line trenches, that way I'll get myself one of those dirty Jerrys? Or whoever's dirty this time?" REPORTER: Hey Mr. Peterson, give us a scoop, is Conrad still drinking a lot? ROSIE: Now listen here! This gossip must stop! He goes to church each Sunday And he doesn't touch a drop! ALBERT: He's as decent as a minister! ROSIE: Absolutely ALBERT: He's as sober as a judge! He subscribes to ev'ry charity! And his hobby's making fudge! ALL: For he's a Fine upstanding, Patriotic, Healthy, normal American boy REPORTER: Is it true that you found Conrad in a Reform School? ROSIE & ALBERT: That's a lie! A lie thru and thru! I'll tell you where he came from, Here's the story and it's true! ROSIE: He was born in Indochina, ALBERT: He was born in old Virginnie ROSIE: Son of missionaries there! ALBERT: On a thousand acre farm! ROSIE: Very poor and very hungry, ALBERT: From a line of wealthy planters, ROSIE: What a cruel life to bear! ALBERT: Full of genteel, southern charm! ROSIE: Soon he drifted down to Hong Kong, ALBERT: In the evening by the river, ROSIE: To a waterfront saloon! ALBERT: By the moonlight they would croon! Rosie: That is where I heard him singing, Albert: That's where Conrad started singing, ROSIE: Underneath a Hong Kong moon! ALBERT: 'Neath that sweet plantation moon! TEENS: We love you, Conrad, Oh, yes we do! Oh Beautiful for spacious skies, TEENS: We love you, Conrad, and we'll be true-oo-oo For amber waves of grain. TEENS: Conrad, we love you. America, America, TEENS: We love you, Conrad, and we'll be true. God shed His grace on thee. ALL: For he's a Fine upstanding, Av'rage, modest, Patriotic, Healthy, normal American, American boy!