The Amazing Fantastical History of Mr. Willy Wonka

CHARLIE BUCKET Ten minutes 'till dinner? Just enough time to hear the story of Willy Wonka! GRANDMA JOSEPHINA Didn't we tell you the story of Willy Wonka last night? CHARLIE BUCKET No. GRANDPA JOE I have a distinct recollection of telling you the story of Willy Wonka just last night! GRANDPA GEORGE And the night before that. CHARLIE BUCKET I don't mean to be rude Grandpa Joe, but you are getting a bit old, and well, maybe a bit forgetful. GRANDPA JOE Have we really never, ever, told the boy about it? CHARLIE BUCKET Not once! GRANDMA JOSEPHINA Well, for his entire life the tot has not once told a lie. CHARLIE BUCKET I told you so. GRANDMA GEORGINA But can we answer all his queries? GRANDPA GEORGE Can we cover all the theories? GRANDPA JOE All the beds are staged, so dearies- ALL GRANDPARENTS Let us try! GRANDPA JOE What a clever man he is, this Mister Wonka There's so many tales to tell All about the tasty sweets that made the people Gather 'round for just one smell GRANDPA GEORGE Children gnawed GRANDMA GEORGINA While in their rompers GRANDPA GEORGE Chocolate eggs between their chompers GRANDMA JOSEPHINA 'Till a tiny bird was perched upon their tongue GRANDPA JOE Yes Mister Willy Wonka GRANDMA GEORGINA Has a sex appeal what makes me feel young! There, I said it! GRANDPA GEORGE Oh, you little minx! GRANDPA JOE From all around the world they called on Mister Wonka King, and queens, and presidents GRANDMA JOSEPHINA Even down in Rome, the pope left home And in the factory took up residence GRANDMA GEORGINA Dalai Llamas and their mamas Had such episodes and dramas GRANDPA GEORGE Even Ghandi got himself into a brawl GRANDPA JOE For Mister Willy Wonka ALL GRANDPARENTS We all sing for he's the king of them all GRANDPA JOE There were sugar balloons GRANDPA GEORGE And macaroons GRANDMA JOSEPHINA The feathery sweets GRANDMA GEORGINA And marshmallow treats GRANDPA JOE Transforming wheezing geezers to a child GRANDMA GEORGINA And let me say that Mister Willy Wonka Whips a swirl what makes a girl go wild Well, he does! CHARLIE BUCKET Tell the one about the Indian prince! The one about Prince Pondicherry! GRANDPA JOE Oh, you like the scary ones, don't you Charlie? Willy Wonka went to India Near the kingdom of Madras Where he met Prince Pondicherry Who was rich but awfully crass He had wed a Maharani Who craved chocolate for each meal So he called up Willy Wonka And he said- GRANDPA GEORGE "Let's make a deal! I will pay a million rupee For a house to please her belly We will be the talk of Punjab And the toast of all New Delhi!" GRANDPA JOE "I will gladly build this fortress," Wonka said, "but just one thing, It will be nice for the winter But it won't last past the spring!" GRANDMA JOSEPHINA AND GRANDMA GEORGINA "For the sun will make a river Of this chocolate Taj Mahal" GRANDMA GEORGINA "And you'll end up in hot chocolate With your chocolate femme fatale!" GRANDPA JOE But the Prince he wouldn't listen GRANDPA GEORGE "Use a Bon-Bon for the dome I won't rest until my missus Eats me out of house and home!" GRANDPA JOE And so Wonka built a showplace But when summer came around All the walls began to melt 'Till every ceiling hit the ground GRANDMA JOSEPHINA But the Prince and Princess perished GRANDPA GEORGE Drowning in the chocolate flow GRANDPA JOE Yes they died 'cause they were greedy GRANDMA GEORGINA Ah, but what a way to go GRANDPA JOE Oh, but Charlie. then the spies came! GRANDMA JOSEPHINA Ficklegruber GRANDMA GEORGINA Prodnose GRANDPA GEORGE And Slugworth GRANDPA JOE Stealing every new invention as soon as it appeared. Wonka closed down he factory and no chocolate was made for a very long time. And then one night, the lights came back on again, and strange shadows appeared at the windows. Yes! The factory was up and running again! But how? Nobody's ever gone in, and nobody's ever come out. And that is one of the great mysteries of the chocolate making world. Yes the smoke returned to the chimneys But the gates stayed locked and chained And strange shadows GRANDMA JOSEPHINA, GRANDPA GEORGE, GRANDMA GEORGINA Ghostly shadows! GRANDPA JOE Appeared at the window unexplained ALL GRANDPARENTS Yes, out went Ficklegruber, Prodnose, Slugworth GRANDPA GEORGE No one went in which was quite bizarre GRANDPA JOE But the factory churned GRANDMA GEORGINA And the sweets returned ALL GRANDPARENTS If we could only afford one bar So Charlie now you're up to date on Willy Wonka Now you know what he's about Though it's a crying shame that no one's going in At least the chocolates still come out GRANDPA JOE Now once again each brother's daughter Feels her mouth begin to water GRANDMA JOSEPHINA In Brazil they gave up coffee For a taste of Wonka toffee GRANDPA GEORGE Now each nose would sense olfactory Thinks the factory's satisnacktory GRANDMA GEORGINA For a single whiff I might commit a crime ALL GRANDPARENTS Yes, Mister Willy Wonka's GRANDPA JOE Like I said! ALL GRANDPARENTS A man ahead of his time GRANDMA JOSEPHINA I've still got it! GRANDPA JOE I think I slipped a disc. GRANDPA GEORGE I think I need a pee. GRANDMA GEORGINA I think I just had one.