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Why should I drive all over town Just to get the things that I need? When the best things in life can be brought to my door At maximum efficiency and speed I sit by my TV with my pencil and pad And I heed every word that they say There's a whole new world of exciting merchandise That's only a phone call away I dial One-eight-hundred (I'm dialing) One-eight-hundred One-eight-hundred Toll free! I can make Julienne fries in seconds! Or learn to play the guitar I just match, patch, and blend And instantly repair all the rips in the seats of my car I've got knives that'll last for 50 years And silverware that I can't lose! And it all come with a money-back guarantee How on earth could I refuse? I dial One-eight-hundred One-eight-hundred One-eight-hundred Toll free! I still can't cook on a diamond And my burnt baked beans were charred And everything came to me so easily With my Visa and my Mastercard I've got luggage I can wad up into a ball And magazine subscriptions galore! There's pots and pans to which nothing can stick I've got books about the second world war! I've got the latest songs by the greatest stars Like Slim Whitman and Leslie Gore And it's all packaged up in a full record set Not available in any store! I dial One-eight-hundred (I'm dialing) One-eight-hundred One-eight-hundred Toll free! Did you know that Bird and Bach and Roms Wrote many of the hits of today? And if you call right now You can absolutely free your stainless steel dictionary (Now how much would you pay?!) I've got a bowl that smells like a fish cake And a steamer that's made of bamboo I've got a watch that plays Dixie! It's all too good to be true! My heart starts pounding when I hear the sound Of a truck pulling up into my drive 'Cause I know it's the postman with a COD for $19.95! I call One-eight-hundred (I'm dialing) One-eight-hundred One-eight-hundred One-eight-hundred One-eight-hundred It's toll free!