Old Folks (Comedy)

Did I ever tell you about my Grandfather? (No) Well I'm going to now! Grandfather, poor old guy 85 years of age Starting to lose it Total stranger found him sitting on a park bench Crying his eyes out Stranger come over, and he says "Hey, old timer, what's the matter?" Grandad said "Oh, I'm 85, and I've fallen in love with a gorgeous 20-year-old woman She comes to my house every day at two o'clock And we make mad, passionate love for five hours, non-stop." Stranger says, "Hell, that doesn't sound so bad, why are you crying?" Grandad said, "I can't remember where I live!" Eventually we got my Grandfather into the nursing home And after he got settled I went to visit him And the first thing I noticed, typical of my Grandfather He had the two most gorgeous, attractive nurses in the place Sitting on either side of him And, as I was talking to him, I noticed Grandad Had started to tilt to one side Like he was going to fall off his chair But the nurse on that side pushed him upright Then it looked like he was going to fall forward on the other side But the nurse on that side pushed him upright Then it looked like he was going to fall right on his face And they locked their arms around him and pulled him back I said, "Hey, Grandad, they really look after you here, don't they?" He said, "Yeah, but they won't let me fart." My Grandad decided to go for a stroll up the hall There was a little old lady there, says "Hey honey, guess how old I am?" She said, " I don't know." He said, "I'm 85." She says, "Well that's just wonderful," So he shuffles up the hall a bit further There was another little old lady there Said "Hey honey, guess how old I am?" She said, "C'mere" So he stepped over beside her, she reached out, pulled his zipper down Put her hand in and felt around for three or four minutes She said, "You're 85." He said, "How did you know that?" She said, "I heard you telling her." You know the one good thing about Alzheimer's disease? You can hide your own Easter eggs! You make new friends every day! Then there's Irish Alzheimer's, where you forget about the grudge Oh, I screwed that up! Then there's Irish Alzheimer's Where you forget everything but the grudge There was an old couple in Ireland He was 99 years of age She was 98 They'd been married for 80 years, decided to get a divorce A marriage councillor's talking to them Said, "This is ridiculous, for God's sake. You're 99, she's 98 You've been married for 80 years How come you're getting divorced now?" And the old guys said "Well, we just thought we'd wait till the kids were dead." Go ahead, get it out of your system; it's better than bottling it up Same couple, he's not feeling too well She brings him to the doctor, the doctor examined him From head to foot, says "Well sir, I'm going to need a blood sample A urine sample, a stool sample." And the old guy turns to his wife, and he says "What did he say?" She said "Show him your underwear."