Top Songs By Seamus Kennedy
Credits
COMPOSITION & LYRICS
Seamus Kennedy
Songwriter
Lyrics
Did I ever tell you about my Grandfather?
(No)
Well I'm going to now!
Grandfather, poor old guy
85 years of age
Starting to lose it
Total stranger found him sitting on a park bench
Crying his eyes out
Stranger come over, and he says
"Hey, old timer, what's the matter?"
Grandad said
"Oh, I'm 85, and I've fallen in love with a gorgeous 20-year-old woman
She comes to my house every day at two o'clock
And we make mad, passionate love for five hours, non-stop."
Stranger says, "Hell, that doesn't sound so bad, why are you crying?"
Grandad said, "I can't remember where I live!"
Eventually we got my Grandfather into the nursing home
And after he got settled I went to visit him
And the first thing I noticed, typical of my Grandfather
He had the two most gorgeous, attractive nurses in the place
Sitting on either side of him
And, as I was talking to him, I noticed Grandad
Had started to tilt to one side
Like he was going to fall off his chair
But the nurse on that side pushed him upright
Then it looked like he was going to fall forward on the other side
But the nurse on that side pushed him upright
Then it looked like he was going to fall right on his face
And they locked their arms around him and pulled him back
I said, "Hey, Grandad, they really look after you here, don't they?"
He said, "Yeah, but they won't let me fart."
My Grandad decided to go for a stroll up the hall
There was a little old lady there, says
"Hey honey, guess how old I am?"
She said, " I don't know."
He said, "I'm 85."
She says, "Well that's just wonderful,"
So he shuffles up the hall a bit further
There was another little old lady there
Said "Hey honey, guess how old I am?"
She said, "C'mere"
So he stepped over beside her, she reached out, pulled his zipper down
Put her hand in and felt around for three or four minutes
She said, "You're 85."
He said, "How did you know that?"
She said, "I heard you telling her."
You know the one good thing about Alzheimer's disease?
You can hide your own Easter eggs!
You make new friends every day!
Then there's Irish Alzheimer's, where you forget about the grudge
Oh, I screwed that up!
Then there's Irish Alzheimer's
Where you forget everything but the grudge
There was an old couple in Ireland
He was 99 years of age
She was 98
They'd been married for 80 years, decided to get a divorce
A marriage councillor's talking to them
Said, "This is ridiculous, for God's sake. You're 99, she's 98
You've been married for 80 years
How come you're getting divorced now?"
And the old guys said
"Well, we just thought we'd wait till the kids were dead."
Go ahead, get it out of your system; it's better than bottling it up
Same couple, he's not feeling too well
She brings him to the doctor, the doctor examined him
From head to foot, says
"Well sir, I'm going to need a blood sample
A urine sample, a stool sample."
And the old guy turns to his wife, and he says
"What did he say?"
She said "Show him your underwear."
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