Doin' Well

Is it too much to ask of no one that I keep doing well? Is it too much to think, with the blankets so thick That the cold air is caring, there's some sort of fairness Is it too much to ask of no one that I keep doing well? Is it too much to think there's a meaning among it A hand in the water to lift me above it? Is it too much to ask of no one that I keep doing well? That there's some sort of magic with so many names A god or a spirit, we all sometimes feel it A lie or a promise of something when I've not been doing well A made up creator or spirits of nature, I don't even mind if it's totally fake I can grab onto air if I'm told it's a rope when I'm doing well But show me the kingdom of god when I'm broken And I'll find a reason the whole thing is hopeless A liar I totally trust every time I'm not doing well So maybe I'll need something more than what's real When I'm told there's no healing wrapped up in this feeling No matter how hard I keep trying, I'll never keep doing well I need something more than what's worldly and average I need something cosmic, come feed me some magic Just something that doesn't break down every time I'm not doing well Though love is the ultimate joy in the world It still stops at the gates of the infinite forest If love is the ultimate truth then I think I might need a lie Awareness is what got me into this mess So maybe some blindness will grant me some rest Or maybe the lies are the actual natural way of life And eyes ever opened will make you feel hopeless So do what you can to keep life out of focus My god is the greatest of gods 'cause it eats all the other ones Worship of truth of a god most uncaring The others enforce it but this one eats fairness Demanding we sacrifice anything that might be made from soul Burn off your dreams that aren't made from what's real And remove all the crutches that keep you from healing Or anything else that we need to believe just to do our best The truth can be worn by the cruelest disease As it uses its name and it makes me believe Lots of things that are more without proof than a lot of that other stuff Then truth that was banished walks back to the kingdom The people rejoice and the choirs are singing So be there to open the gate when you hear that soft knocking sound But can you be certain the god has returned? Because maybe it's something that's planning to hurt you Is it too much to ask that things I contend with make any sense? Or sense was the way that we learned to contend With the thoughts and emotions that all seem to end In the moment when I go from doing to not really doing well Once you've encountered the worst of all feelings It doesn't make sense because sense as we know it Is just how you organize minds that are normal and doing well Madness is more like a kid in a forest With no one to guide because no one's explored it It's not somewhere most people go so we never quite made the words People who go and come back do their best To describe it to others but most of the rest of them Think that it's art and its fun 'cause it takes you to other worlds But those who have spent any time in that forest Can see what's been said, and then just for a moment Can feel like they might not be endlessly, totally, all alone And that's why this song is as long as it is There's a chance that I'd maybe be scrapping a lyric That reaches from sound like a hug for a brain, saying "you'll be fine" Something to have when the monster returns When it says you're alone maybe something to turn to And know that I swear to my god as of right now I do believe Regardless of where anybody is starting That there is a life that is worth all the hardship 'Cause somehow my god of the truth doesn't mind when I say those words So maybe there's something alive in the stars Because hope is divine but it comes from within us Is it too much to ask of no one that I keep doing well? The arc of the story is totally different When I am the hero, but also the villain We're told that there's evil among us but this one feels deep inside And it's hard when it bites me to punch at its teeth 'Cause I aim for the mouth and then realize it's me Is it too much to ask of no one that I keep doing well? Is it too much to think with the blankets so thick That the cold air is caring, there's some sort of fairness? Is it too much to ask of no one that I keep doing well? That this not be an island surrounded by lake That this not be a daydream and I'll just wake up Is it too much to ask of no one that I keep doing well? That the serums are more than a way to conceal That it wasn't a bandage, I've really been healed But there's no way to know until one day I'll just not be doing well And then when that ends, add a couple of months And the thoughts that I'm writing return all at once But deep down at the base of my brain I know when I've been doing well A timer is ticking I can't hear the chimes I wish I could break it and find out who winds it And say "What the hell, do you think it's a game to be doing well?" What a sick sense of humor that maker must have To wait 'til I feel like I have it controlled and then Crush me like leaves in the fall in the hands of a walking child Picked at and pulled without thoughts in a moment The boredom of stars or it's something much colder If nothing's in charge, well, then who should I ask to keep doing well? 'Cause the experts I speak to tell stories quite clear "Though you're safe for a while you'll never quite heal You will walk with this now 'til the day when your body says, "Friends, farewell" The fight will be over as soon as you are And we noticed you've already added some scars You will never be quite as you were, you will never have nothing wrong Your old life is dead but let's keep you alive As you're coming to terms with the rest of your life And I know it seems crazy but one day you will be at peace with this Until then, we need you to try to stay focused We'll do what we can, but for now when you're hopeless Just try not to do anything that you know you cannot take back And if you can manage to spare your own life Then we promise we'll make this whole thing worth your while" So I made a deal with myself and decided to choose a day About ten months later, a Monday in May But until then I swore that I'd do what they say I will take what you tell me to take, I will do what you say to do All while believing it all was a lie But at least at the end, I could say that I tried Then a light began flickering somewhere inside a collapsing star A child that's mine that I never conceived But we grew up together and now I believe It was hope in the form of an angel who thought it was not my time Hope out of nothing is purely divine We become our own gods when we save our own lives And the date came and went, and I reread the note that I'd sent myself I have so much respect and I owe such a debt To the person I was who decided to give us some time Just to see and make sure there were no possibilities Although he was certain those boxes were empty He chose to make sure and it turns out there's plenty Of ways for a person like him and like me to be doing well I owe him my life 'cause he had every right To spare him that pain but he spared our whole life And although it's impossible I understand that it makes no sense I think if I somehow could send him a message I'd say not a word 'cause I think it'd be selfish To ask him to stay just so one day he'd slowly turn into me A bargain he made on his own I won't question But I couldn't bring me to make that suggestion To ask someone else to exist in that place is a crazy thing But if he can do it I think I can too I'm inspired by all of the things that he went through Although he was certain he never again would be doing well The thought of it truly just never occurred I wish I could bring him to now and say "You are my parent and you are my son and I am just so proud of you You're braver than I know you ever imagined And I'm only here 'cause you chose to allow it For reasons I still and don't think that I ever will understand With weights on your ankles, you chose to keep swimming Not even believing the fight was worth winning You chose to continue to let yourself drown in a burning lake You had the option but you didn't take it To say your goodbyes and be brought to the sky But you chose to continue to burn and be burned every single day With no way to know that it'd ever be worth it With no guarantee that you'd ever stop hurting With voices that yelled: 'there's no use, you will never be free from this You'll burn 'til the day when you finally give in So why are you waiting for even one second?' The seconds you gave turned to months, turned to years, turned to who I am I promise that none of that will be in vain I will give all I have and I'll do something great 'Cause I know just exactly how much you decided to sacrifice I've been back to that lake and I still can't believe That you stayed even though you thought you'd never leave Thought if others could feel what you felt, they would tell you it's fine to leave It's only because they don't know what it's like When they ask you to stay they can say it so lightly I'd pause as I'd say that to me even knowing the things I know So it means so much more that you did it in blindness I'll cherish this life that you birthed out of kindness I can't understand it but just sort of wish I could shake your hand I wish you could know what a hero you are I will write down your story and spread it across All the world so that people who stand in that lake might feel some relief That you never got but that now can be given I'll find the right words and be sure they're delivered In only the finest of ways I'll make songs that you'll never hear For whatever it's worth, I'll just say one more thank you You showed me that life, even mine, is worth saving"