The Ballad of Smokin' Joe Rudeboy

Let me tell a little story about a man long time ago He was the quickest draw in the wild west by the name of Smokin' Joe It's Smokin' Joe! Hit the floor But he didn't own no six-gun Lemme tell you what he'd do When the varmint rode into town He'd shoot 'em down with a big fat "fuck you!" Smokin' Joe! (it's Smokin' Joe Rudeboy!) Lemme make sure I heard you right $7.50 for large soy cappucino Lemme get my wallet Fuck you! Smokin' Joe! (it's Smokin' Joe Rudeboy!) Lemme make sure I heard you right Even though I'm not with Amazon you're calling me to tell me That my profile has been hacked? Fuck you! And so Joe held the law in the town in which he lived Yeah! Only stupid motherfuckers would talk shit around Rudeboy With his whiplash wrist Gon' get it now! Leroy "two gun" Jenkins thought that he could surely win But before Leroy could blink he was told to sit and spin Why don't you take it for a ride now? The Mongoose Mountain Gang played dirty with a twenty-man crew But tales are told that Joe grew eighteen arms That day as a gift from Vishnu And as he rose in fame Every quickdraw outlaw came to the man They heard whose fists would burn when he flipped the bird Smokin' Joe! (it's Smokin' Joe Rudeboy!) Lemme make sure I heard you right You wanna refund the money that I spent In your shop with a store credit? Fuck you! Smokin' Joe! (it's Smokin' Joe Rudeboy!) Lemme make sure I heard you right Everybody brought a platter to my fancy birthday dinner But you brought soda water? Fuck you! He got that name because his finger burns hot like the sun And leaves you smokin' when he's done It's just as well that Joe is fast as hell 'Cause in every duel he won I'm not sure Joe knew that they had a literal gun I know that they're packing heat And I know that they know that I'm the man to beat But when I step onto the street with a jingle in my feet They know that I know that they know that they can Fuck themself! Some say many years ago Before Joseph Rudeboy was Smokin' Joe He had a wife, her name was Bo Bo was with child in a happy home But into town an outlaw came Who wore a velvet cloak like a bloodstain Now Bo didn't like Joe using no gun So Bo told Joe to fucking run "You gotta bring back help!" (run fast Joe, fast Joe) Lemme stay and fight! But Bo said "no guns, you've got to go!" Joseph Rudeboy was too slow For a child that he'd never know Joeseph Rudeboy you're too slow Burning inside Joseph died but from the ash the man who rose was Smokin' Joe! (it's Smokin' Joe Rudeboy!) He's a human pheonix Yes, that's the word I heard he was born in a fire And rides a pair of flamin' birds Smokin' Joe! (it's Smokin' Joe Rudeboy!) I heard he's never shot no-one but he's Still locked up half of the wild west Lookin' for a velvet-wearing son-of-a-gun One day an outlaw came to town Come out here Smokin' Joe You're just as well already dead He wore a velvet cloak but Joe saw red And on the street the fateful pair did meet All the townsfolk came to watch when they knew Joe was gonna tell someone to f- Their eyes were locked what seemed like three eternities To Joe the velvet man seemed different From how he remembered him to be But it was all the same to Smokin' Joe, who'd been through hell He'd dreamt every night the last eighteen years Of telling this guy to fuck himself But when Joe went to ball his hand into a flamin' fist The outlaw shot him first with a Middle finger that looked just like his And as Joe fell he beheld the outlaw's face A young girl who'd seen it all And grew up in a terrible place Whose mother once told Joseph To run and bring back help A girl who thought her father had run out to save himself Smokin' Joe! (it's Smokin' Joe Rudeboy!) Lemme make sure I heard you right You been telling everybody I'm a deadbeat daddy Didn't know I tried to save ya? Yeah Fuck you, daughter! Smokin' Joe! (it's Smokin' Joe Rudeboy!) Lemme make sure I heard you right Now I found my father and I learnt the truth we can be reunited? That's right Fuck you, old man!